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Wow, your penis is really regular!
Friday, 11 January 2008 at 20:50
I hate those devious bastards who work in marketing and try to manipulate you by using words. The sad fact is that they get away with it because the majority of the slack-jawed imbeciles in this country sail through life questioning nothing in the misguided belief that they are intelligent enough to spot a snake oil salesman when they see one. Let me demonstrate. You're at the cinema and you fancy a drink because your mouth is a little dried out by the ubiquitous air-conditioning (don't get me started) so you go to the concession stand and find that the drinks they sell come in three sizes. Now when I was a kid these would have been nominated as Large, Medium and Small because......well, simply put, that was their relative sizing. No longer it seems, at least not entirely so. The biggest drink, and believe me it is big, is designated as large; the medium sized one is designated, surprise surprise, as Medium. The smallest however is not referred to as Small because the marketing people are concerned that this might suggest that you're getting less than your money's worth. That's why nothing is ever referred to as small anymore because the word "Small" is no longer a comparative referent but embodies an inherent value judgment and when you read the word a whole Roget's Thesaurus of unflattering synonyms floods your mind: Paltry, Miniscule, Tiny, Insignificant. Macdonalds circumvented this terminological embarrassment by referring to their "small" portions as "Regular" but the cinemas have excelled themselves in this department by referring to their small servings as "Children's". Now this is a double-whammy because not only does it avoid the pariah-like "S" word but it also encourages you to spend more of your hard-earned that you might reasonably have expected or wanted to. Starbucks on the other hand have decided to try reverse psychology and call their smallest size "tall". Go figure. Meanwhile back at the cinema the process goes something like this. So you're a bit thirsty and you fancy a drink to wet your whistle while you're watching your movie. You cast an eye over the price list. Large: £3.95. Whoa, way too expensive! Medium: £3.50.A lot less drink for only a little reduction and still too expensive at that! Children's: £2.95. That's more like it. Hold on though, if I walk up there and ask for a children's drink and it's obvious I haven't got a kid with me then I'm going to look a right tosser - a grown man with a kid's portion. What's more I'll come across as a real cheapskate and as other people's views on me are of vital importance to me I simply can't have that. I'll get a medium, that won't look so bad will it? Hang about, though I only need to put another 45 pence to it and I can get a Large one. Fuck it I might as well have a large one then. And there you have it! By a subtle combination of semantics and pricing policy you have gone in zero seconds flat from wanting a quick slurp to wet your throat with, to a drink you could drown a sperm whale in and which will ensure that you miss a good ten per cent of your movie during the half-dozen trips you make to the toilets to empty your bloated bladder. And why? Because some slick marketing man decided to call a small drink "Children's" size. Sucker.
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